Sweetest Venom (Virtue #2) Page 17

  The fight gone out of him, Ronan finally gives into me. And when he does, it is a storm full of thunder and wind and rain. It shakes. It vibrates. It rumbles deep within us. Howling …

  Breaking …

  Healing …

  Tearing us both apart so our kisses, our shared breaths, the feel of him moving deep inside me, and his heart beating against mine can put us back together for every month, and every week, and every day, and every hour, and every minute, and every second that we weren’t together. It’s the holy communion of our bodies.

  “Please forgive me, Ronan.” I pull him closer to me, tightening my legs around his waist, trying to swallow him into my body, fuse his soul with mine, but it’s not close enough. It will never be. He begins to pound into me.

  Hard …

  Painful …

  Agonizing …

  He’s not making love to me. He’s trying to possess me, to brand himself in me with each thrust. And through it all, I tell him how much I love him, hoping that I can break each and every single barrier between us. Lawrence. Rachel. All the unnecessary hurt.

  Jealousy …

  Anger …

  Betrayal …

  Lies …

  Deceit …

  It all fades to nothing.

  Throwing his head back, Ronan pulls out of me, coming on my stomach as a shout is torn from deep within him. After cleaning myself in the bathroom, I come back to bed and find him lying flat on his stomach, his hair messy and eyes closed. I go to him, my heart swelling with happiness and love. Without saying a word, he pulls me in, enveloping me in a fierce embrace, and we fall asleep. As I’m closing my eyes, drifting away, I finally understand what true happiness is.

  This moment.

  In his arms.

  I wake up feeling exuberant and ridiculously happy. The delicious soreness between my legs reminds me of all the times Ronan took me last night with an incessant passion and need that burned so brightly I’m surprised the place didn’t crumble down to ashes. With a smile on my lips I reach for him, but my hands come back empty. I open my eyes and discover that he isn’t in bed anymore. Sitting up, I find him sitting in the same accent chair watching me closely. He’s already showered and dressed in a red plaid shirt and jeans. The moment my gaze lands on him, my heart jumpstarts again.

  I cover myself with a sheet, suddenly feeling shy. “Good morning.”

  Silently, Ronan stands up and comes to stand at the foot of the bed, his handsome face inscrutable. Hard. The expressionless way he’s staring at me as though I’m an unwanted vision sends a chill running down my spine, but I tell myself that it’s just my overly tired imagination. This is the same man who made me his over and over again all through the night while he held me tight and never let go.

  He takes out his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans, opens it, and pulls out some bills. Frowning, I’m about to ask him what that money is for when he throws it carelessly on the bed. My heart sinks as the green paper slowly floats like feathers onto the mattress.

  “What’s this?” I manage to ask.

  “Isn’t this how it usually goes?” He puts his wallet away while his gaze roves over me dispassionately. “I’m paying for your services. I seem to remember that you once told me that I couldn’t afford you. Well, now I can.”

  No. No. No. No.

  Gripping the sheet close to my chest as if it were a lifeline, I tell myself that I’m dreaming and I’ll soon wake up to find that this has been a horrible nightmare. But as I stare at the man in front of me, feeling my barely healed heart shatter all over again, I realize that last night was a beautiful dream and this is my cruel reality.

  “It can’t be …” I bring my hands to my temples, feeling lightheaded. “I don’t think I heard you right.”

  “But you did, Blaire. I hope you’re not naïve enough to think that what happened last night had anything to do with love,” he says with a detached calm. “I would be a fool to fall for you again. And if I may say so, your act is getting to be quite desperate. You don’t have to pretend to love me to get me to fuck you. It’s obvious that I want you. And that you want me now because I’m no longer a nobody, my ambitious and greedy Blaire.”

  I’m unraveling into nothingness. I fell in love with Ronan the same way that you watch fireworks light up the sky. It was unexpected and breathtaking. My eternal midnight was suddenly full of glittering sparks that together rivaled the brightest of stars. He filled it with his powerful light, illuminating my world in beautiful colors. And last night, the sky didn’t just glow—it burned like the most brilliant sun. But as his words slice me open and deeply, the light goes out, leaving me in total, blinding darkness once again.

  “I think you should go,” I say numbly.

  When he’s by the door, his back to me, I hear myself say, “Wait.”

  He looks back, raising an eyebrow, appearing bored. “Yes?”

  “I wish with all of my heart that I could stop loving you.”

  Suddenly, a long forgotten memory of another good-bye similar to this, with another man, and a much younger girl flashes through the eyes of my mind. Matthew Callahan’s voice telling me that one day I would fall in love with a man, and he hoped he would break my heart. Then I would know what kind of pain I was able to inflict.

  “If that is all …” he drawls.

  I turn to the side and close my eyes, waiting for him to leave. The moment I hear the click of the door, I bite down hard on my lip to stop a sob from escaping, as burning tears streak down my face.

  Ronan

  I DECIDED LONG AGO that I would rise in a world that had no place for the likes of me and conquer it with my hands, watching them lose their poor, pathetic minds over a nobody like me—their diamond in the rough. I sold my soul and surrounded myself with people who once spurned me just so I could forget Blaire.

  Last night when I took her in my arms and sunk in the wonderful abyss of her body, I felt my resolution waver for the first time in a very long time. I thought that maybe we could start all over again, leaving all the bullshit behind, allowing my love—my madness—for her to be the bread to sustain us and give us life. But even as my heart urged me to give into her siren song, a voice so loud, so jarring, told me not to be a fool and fall for her lies again.

  She was with me because Lawrence didn’t want her in his life. She wanted me now because I had something to give her that I didn’t before. That same voice told me I’d come too far to just throw it all away for a brief yet alluring dream that was just that—a dream. So as I stared at Blaire, my emotions at war, I woke up and came to my senses. I stop packing my bag momentarily to look out the window as an image of Blaire flashes through my mind. The raw pain in her eyes as I threw the money at her. Clenching my jaw, I tell myself that it was only an act, just like her false admission of love. A new wave of hate and repulsion washes over me, clearing my mind. Once upon a time, I would have given anything to hear her say those words, but they mean nothing to me now. They are empty. Useless. She doesn’t love me. She loves no one but herself. Shortly after I’m done packing, there’s a knock on the door. Opening it, I find Elly waiting for me on the other side.

  “I hope you’re happy with yourself,” she says.

  I cock an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

  “She’s gone.” Elly shakes her head, placing her hands on her hips.

  “Ran back to Lawrence, didn’t she?” I sneer, willing myself to not feel one fucking thing. “Well, that didn’t take her long.”

  “You’re such an asshole.” Elly takes a step forward, closing the gap between us, unafraid of me. “She broke things off with Lawrence.”

  “Did she now?”

  “Yes, she’s not going back to him.”

  “I highly doubt it happened that way. Lawrence probably got bored of her and dumped her.” I turn on my heel to walk toward my suitcase lying on the bed. “But I don’t give a fuck anymore. She can do whatever she wants.”

  “My God, you�
��re blind. And I’m so stupid … I thought that maybe—”

  I glance back, our eyes locking. “What? That we would make up and live happily ever after? Please, Elly, don’t be so fucking naïve. That ship sailed a long, long time ago.”

  “You know what? Maybe it’s better this way. You’re not the man she fell in love with—you can’t be. I barely know you, but I’m sure that she doesn’t need you in her life.”

  I throw my head back and laugh, though the sound is empty just like everything inside me. Hollow without her. “No, that man is gone. She never loved me, Elly.”

  “But she did!”

  “Oh, yeah? Then why did she run? Why did she break my fucking heart when all I wanted was to love her, to be with her? I didn’t want for much. All I wanted was Blaire. You know why she’s back? She’s back because I’m no longer a poor nobody.”

  “Wait, no,” she interrupts, stunned. “You got it all wrong. All wrong, Ronan. Didn’t she tell you? Damn it, Blaire. Why didn’t you—” Elly says outwardly talking to herself. Focusing on me once more, she closes the space between us in a hurry, placing an entreating hand on my arm. “You got it all wrong, Ronan. So wrong.”

  Pushing her hand away, I turn away from her and the deceiving light in her eye. “Save it, Elly. We’re done. I think you should go. Or better yet, I’m out.”

  She reaches for me once again, making me look at her. “No. You’re going to listen to what I have to say once and for all. I’m done watching both of you waste your time and hurt each other for nothing. Blaire left you the first time because she didn’t think that she was good enough for you.”

  “Please. She broke up with me because I didn’t have any money. She chose Lawrence over me because of his deep pockets. She’s a fucking gold digger,” I spit the words like venom.

  “No. She fell in love with you, Ronan. Head over heels in love. You were the first man to make her want it all. Everything. Love. A relationship. Forever. During that summer, Blaire glowed. She was happy for the first time in her life. I didn’t know your name, but I knew it was because of you.”

  I shake my head, sitting down on the bed as her words fight to get past the wall inside me. “That can’t be.” I raise my gaze to meet hers. “You’re lying to me.”

  “No, I’m not. And you know it. Deep down you must know it’s true. But what did you expect from a girl who all her life thought she was unworthy of love, who was uncomfortable with a simple hug? It was too much for her, Ronan. Listen, I’m not excusing her behavior. She should’ve spoken to you. But she did the only thing that she knew. She ran. She lied to you because she knew that if she made you hate her, she could walk away from you. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been able to leave you.”

  My heart begins to pump hard. Images of our short summer together, the masquerade, and of last night—especially last night—come crashing down on me. They were real.

  Real.

  “It wasn’t a lie then,” I mutter hoarsely, shaken to the core. “Last night when she …” Closing my eyes tightly, I feel sick to my stomach. “What have I done?”

  She wasn’t only offering her body to me. She was offering her love to me. And I knew it. I’d felt it. But I let my thirst for vengeance get in the way.

  “You’ve let your pride get in the way, Ronan. Besides, I saw you with Rachel and I’ve read the articles about your career. You’re the last person who should judge her.”

  Defeated, I open my eyes and focus on Elly. “I’ve been a fucking fool.”

  “Both of you have. But listen to what I’m saying. She loves you. It’s always been you. So why the fuck are you still here? Go after her.”

  I was brought into this world but I never understood why. Why me and not someone else? Why was I here when there was nothing special about me? I was just another guy trying to get by. But as Elly’s words smash the walls around me, leaving me naked—defenseless—giving me a new hope that pulsates with every beating of my undeserving heart, I realize why.

  Getting up, I go to the door. When I’m about to cross the threshold, I hear Elly ask, “Changed your mind?”

  I glance back, smiling ruefully. “I pity your enemies, Elly. You’re a formidable adversary. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go after my woman.”

  She grins. “Took you long enough.”

  Blaire

  AFTER ARRIVING AT PENN STATION from Vermont, I take a cab and head back to my apartment. I lean my head back on the seat and close my eyes, allowing the familiar noises of the city to lull me into relaxation. In a moment of weakness, I think of last night and this morning, but I bury the thought as fast as it appears. I’m not ready to go there yet, because if I do, I might not be able to take another step without falling apart.

  Once I’m out of the cab and inside my apartment, I drop my bags in my room and go to the kitchen in search of food. As soon as my eyes land on the green bottle of champagne, Lawrence’s seductive smile flashes through my mind. Shit. Even my home is haunted by memories of them. But what did I expect? Unable to remain here for another moment, I shut the door as quickly as possible, get my stuff, and head out.

  It’s dark by the time I reach the Bethesda Fountain, the moon and the stars hidden behind fast moving clouds that glow silver in the night. The air is electric like right before a storm. I sit in the same spot where I met Ronan, so many memories and lives ago. I enjoy the cold weather. It helps to clear my head. I’m not really sure why I came here other than to torture myself some more, but here I am.

  As I look around the empty park, absorbing the way the street lamps bathe my surroundings in amber light, the first drop of rain lands on my skin, followed by more. Each lands simultaneously on different parts of my body. Closing my eyes, I place my hands behind me. I lean back on my palms and lift my face to the sky as I welcome the sensation of the droplets kissing my skin. I should go home, or seek shelter under the terrace, but I remain seated. Maybe a part of me wishes that the rain could wash away all my sins along with the dirt covering the stones of the fountain, purifying me. Or maybe I stay put because it was in this place where my life began and ended, and it is here where I should say good-bye and bury my short-lived dreams of a life with Ronan.

  All of a sudden the sky opens up and it begins to rain heavily. Lightning illuminates the dark sky momentarily in a white light before the sound of thunder rumbles nearby. Wet to the bone and freezing, I’m about to move when the outline of a man appears to my right. As he approaches me, closing the space between us, I recognize him immediately. I would know him anywhere. Fire burns in my chest as I get up and begin to walk away from him as fast as my feet will allow.

  “Blaire! Wait!” he shouts.

  My treacherous heart urges me to stop at the sound of his voice. But I won’t listen to it. Not right now. I pick up the pace, beginning to run blindly. It doesn’t matter where I go as long as it’s far away from him. My feet slip on the wet ground as my vision blurs. The pain is much too strong. I’m being consumed by it.

  Taking me by surprise, Ronan grips my arm and turns me to face him, slamming my body against his. Thunder and lightning continue to strike over and over again, illuminating his features. The wind has picked up speed, too. We both breathe heavily as desperation courses through our veins. But it’s his eyes that hold me hostage.

  “Let go of me, you bastard!” I yell, hitting him on his chest as tears fall down my face. “Haven’t you had enough?”

  “No.”

  Ronan wraps me in his arms as he closes the space between our mouths. I turn my face to the side, looking away from him and the hurt embedded in his features, hurt that is a direct reflection of mine.

  “Don’t be scared of my touch,” he begs urgently near my ear. “Don’t take this from me. Kiss me, Blaire. Kiss me.”

  I shake my head, continuing to push him away. “No, Ronan. I can’t. It hurts.”

  “I know, baby. It hurts too fucking much.” He lets go of me and cups my face, making me look at him through the rain
. “Let me take the pain away,” he whispers hoarsely.

  “Please.” He leans over and silences me with his mouth. Defeated, I give in. To him, to the feel of his arms around me again, to his persuasive tongue, and to his eyes full of tenderness.

  Kisses that clear my mind of everything but him.

  He crawls deep inside my skin.

  He’s the fire on my tongue.

  Is it heaven or is it hell?

  I think it must be both.

  Because he’s here with me.

  Wrapped in his arms, I open my eyes slowly and focus on his glorious face once more.

  “Blaire, Blaire.” He tightens his grip. “I know I’ve fucked up. I was angry and drowning in hate and jealousy. Wanting you and not being able to have you drove me mad. I’ve done many things that I’m not proud of, but loving you is not one of them. I love you. So damn much. And there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t.” I clutch his arms as a sob escapes my mouth.

  “You’re my reason to exist, Blaire. I am nothing without you. Say that you love me again,” Ronan pleads. “I need to hear you say it.”

  I love you.

  Just a few short syllables. Three simple words that separately mean nothing, but together mean hope, life, beauty—everything that is worth living for. Words are easily said and easily forgotten. They can make you whole, breathe life into you.

  They can destroy you.

  “You stupid, stupid man,” I say shakily. After so long, we’ve finally found each other. “I was afraid to love you because I knew that it would destroy me, but living without you is like dying a slow death each day that I wake up and you aren’t with me.”

  “I know. I felt it, too. Every day and every second without you. But I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

  There’s so much that has happened between us. Maybe we’ll be able to let it go and put it behind us, maybe we won’t. But right now he’s here with me. And that’s all that matters.